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Conservative Satire Headlines November 30, 2010

Inspired by an incident where Obama forced a fat staffer to eat a salad "for his own good" aides have become embolded to force on the president plates full of crow.

Biden impressed with WikiLeaks ability maintain authenticity of emails he wrote on his computer screen in crayon.

Obama vows delay Hawaiian vacation over tax cut fight until the problem reaches crisis level.

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Carter 'Helps' Obama Deal With North Korea

From Politico

Former President Jimmy Carter planned to meet with President Obama on Tuesday, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed. 

Carter had planned to meet with the White House’s national security adviser, Tom Donilon. Obama then asked Carter if he would stop by for a meeting, Gibbs told reporters on Tuesday. 

Gibbs wouldn’t say if Carter’s visit was related to North Korea. 

“That is all I know, and I will try to find more,” Gibbs said before leaving the briefing room.

What, are we at Defcon 0 and all the real leaders were busy washing their hair?

Obama must be desperate if he wants to consult with Jimmy Carter on dealing with North Korea (or anything). Maybe if they can rub their Nobel Peace Prizes together a genie will pop out and solve their problems:



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O: Hello gentlemen! I am the Peace Genie

O: Oh heck, now we've done it.

O: Why does he look like Ronald Reagan?

O: Because I'm the Peace Genie

O: More like a crazy magic warmongering no talent-

O: Say what sissy?

O: Nothing sir! Its not 1980, there's no place like '76, there's no place like '76

O: Are you crying Jimmy?

O: He'll get over it, how can I serve you today?

O: Huh?

O:Do you guys want the wish you're entitled to?

O: I thought genies give three wishes

O:Only liberal genies do that, it usually takes a couple of tries before they get it right.

O:Are you trying to tell me magic liberals are screw ups? I find that hard to believe.

O: LOOK! Do you want your wish of a lifetime or what?

O: I do I do! Hot damn let me get my teleprompter!

O: *SOB* I wish I could've won that second term

O:Oh boy...a deals a deal

O: You're STILL here?

O: Ooookay, I'm back, what should we wish for? I have needed a better golf handicap for a while now or I could just ask for a better overall swing and - where did that Soviet flag come from?

O: You can thank your boy over there.

O: A vodka cabinet?!? Where's my MLK bust? Jimmy, what did you do?

O: He wished to finish what he started

O: What about my golf swing?!?

O:WHAT ABOUT NORTH KOREA?

O: Huh? Oooooooooh, you mean East Soviet China...


----------

Problem solved!

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Is the Information Coming Out of WikiLeaks Really THAT Bad?

I have to be honest. I've found most of the stories coming out of WikiLeaks to be yawners. Here's Talking Points Memo's Top 5 Most Shocking Things About The Wikileaks

Nearly every country in the Middle East wants us to attack Iran.

State Department officials ordered U.S. diplomats to spy on their foreign and UN counterparts.

North Korea supplied Iran with long-range missiles.

Iran used the auspices of the Red Crescent to smuggle spies and weapons into war zones

U.S. foreign policy relies heavily on blog-ready gossip items.

Lets be honest now, is anyone shocked by any of these items? This is really the worst of it? Didn't we pretty much know all of this stuff already?

I know the government is "embarrassed" by this, but I really think they don't care, because as a world super power wouldn't we be expected to know everything? How else are we supposed to find juicy details about these people? Wait for them to tweet about it?

I think it would be more embarrassing for the world to find out we weren't spying on them....they might even be feel a little insulted to think they weren't worth our time.

If Julian ASSange wants to impress me then the future drips he's promising better have something along the lines of the following:


Nearly every country in the Middle East wants us to attack their sand.

State Department officials ordered that U.S. diplomats can only spy on their foreign and UN counterparts using Facebook.

North Korea supplied Iran with stockpiles of magic markers, diamonds, and Cheerios.

Iran used the auspices of the Red Crescent to smuggle Playboy magazine and pocket U.S. Constitutions into war zones

U.S. foreign policy relies heavily on competence and honest self-reflection.


In all seriousness, if I had a choice I obviously wouldn't have wanted these leaks to take place. World leaders should be able to candidly discuss extremely sensitive issues and know some blabbermouth with small man syndrome and a laptop wont out them.

In the end, to me, it's not the release of the information itself that should give us pause, but the fact the government, who got a computer worm to disable an Iranian nuclear facility, couldn't prevent WikiLeaks from doing its thing.

I sort of begs the question, of how badly they wanted it stopped in the first place...

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Conservative Satire Headlines November 29, 2010

WikiLeaks data dump helps make smooth transition from Obama being Thanksgiving's biggest turkey to Christmas's most cooked goose.

Officials hail return of the Obama magic after initiative is unveiled to diffuse WikiLeaks's clout by having rappers overuse its name while beatboxing.

GOP responds to proposed federal pay freeze by suggesting workers could even owe the government if pay was a percentage of approval ratings.

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Why Some Rich People Prefer To Bathe Their Wallets In Higher Taxes

My post A Modest Proposal for Taxing Guilt-Ridden Billionaires got me going....Nothing speaks to why fools like Warren Buffett remain so unconcerned about the tax rate for the rest of "the rich" better than this (I HIGHLY recommend watching the whole thing, but the money shot is at 2:50)...



I don't know if THIS exchange actually happened in Hughes's life, but I'm sure it has happened somewhere, sometime, with some self-righteous rich ingrate.

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Juicy Details From a WikiLeaks Data Dump

There has been a lot of hullabaloo about the leaked details of our espionage and foreign policy dealings around the world, but there are tons of juicy details that the media has been completely overlooking.

Hillary Clinton once asked Kim Jong Il if that was his rapper name.

Janet Reno was in negotiations with Angela Merkel to become president of a newly reformed East Germany

An alphabetically confused Biden insisted that the "d" in his last name be capitalized because he was tired of being reminded his name wasn't misspelled.

In addition to an iPod President Obama also presented Queen Elizabeth with a Burger King crown and asked her thoughts on this "prototype" for the American one.

An email by Robert Gibb's of a Shakespearean sonnet was passed on to scientists elated that to see it was typed successfully, and without the need to fill the room with other monkeys.

Bill Clinton was client number 10 through 16

Janet Napolitano justified her opposition to building a fence on the Mexican border by pointing to the fall of the Berilin Wall.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was considering a political comeback by running for president of the Austrian chapter of his Kennedy family fan club.

John Kerry has a Vietnamese pen pal who uses his last name as an alias while working as a shemale prostitute.

Helen Thomas once tried to patent the ugly tree

Using "find and replace" to edit the f-bombs out of Rahm Emmanuel's emails caused WikiLeaks computers to catch fire

Foreign ambassadors enjoy flying with Biden because he thinks singing "the wheels on the bus" makes Air Force 2 go

A cash strapped Klu Klux Klan turned in their costumes and started trying to sell Muslim women on the idea of keeping cool in the summer with white-detachable-top-burkas

Janet Napolitano was client number 17

The CIA has been tracking long distance phone calls by Dennis Kucinich to his brother Gollum in Middle Earth

Jimmy Carter routinely leaks state secrets from his administration to the only member of Congress he trusted unconditionally, Alan Grayson

Barney Frank once inquired about a Vietanamese hooker who went by "Kerry"

In the last 5 years the only people to obtain written transcripts of anything produced by MSNBC has been WikiLeaks

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A Modest Proposal for Taxing Guilt-Ridden Billionaires

From the liberal blog ironically named Crooks and Liars:

Not that this will matter to the congressional Republicans, whose agenda is not actually improving the economy nor listening to economists, the wealthiest 2%, or any other American, come to that. But the country's wealthiest men, Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, dismiss the calls of Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest 2% of Americans and say that the wealthy SHOULD pay more taxes.

Warren Buffett, Chairman and CEO of Berkshire Hathaway, said that the rich should be paying more taxes and that the Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy should be left to expire at the end of December.

"If anything, taxes for the lower and middle class and maybe even the upper middle class should even probably be cut further," Buffett said. "But I think that people at the high end -- people like myself -- should be paying a lot more in taxes. We have it better than we've ever had it."

The billionaire brushed aside Republican arguments that letting tax cuts expire for the wealthy would hurt economic growth.

"They say you have to keep those tax cuts, even on the very wealthy, because that is what energizes business and capitalism," anchor Amanpour said.

"The rich are always going to say that, you know, just give us more money and we'll go out and spend more and then it will all trickle down to the rest of you. But that has not worked the last 10 years, and I hope the American public is catching on," Buffett explained.

Read the rest here

Let me get this straight, billionaires feel like they can spare a few million more bucks via an increase in their tax rate and they want to take people making $250,000 with them? Brilliant.

Generally speaking, someone making a billion dollars will see their tax bill rise by $40 million. Their $250,000 counterpart will see a rise of $7,500.

At some point one does have so much money that the only way it can possibly be spent is by finding more creative ways to use it, such as stufifng for pillows, or toilet paper, or donating it to a charity that provides kindling for the fireplaces of rich people.

The point is someone with $40 million less of a billion dollars can STILL get everything they need and everything they don't need too, but a $7,500 hit to a family making $250,000 has a major impact on financial planning and the ability to save and pay for major life issues ranging from education to retirement.

To lump the two together like Crooks and Liars does (enabled by money bubbleheads like Buffett) shows an intellectual bankruptcy even Joe Biden could bail out.

If Buffet wants to be so cavalier about having an additional $40 million to burn why doesn't he give it to more philanthropy?

Why not eliminate the welfare middle man and just bring 160 homeless families up to his tax bracket?

Or better yet, if HE thinks HE can spare the money for higher taxes then HE can pay a higher rate while the rest of us can stay at the current one. Nobody is stopping him from cutting THAT check.

Maybe he wants the force of law because he doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to pay that much more voluntarily. Fine, I call on the new GOP congress to enact the new tax bracket for anyone who thinks the government is shortchanging itself when it comes to having their money confiscated.

We'll call it the PB & J Tax. I've already figured out the perfect ad for it...


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A God of All Things (that he cares about)

In response to my post titled The Presidency is Too Much for Anyone? Or Just The One? a Freeper, Roscoe Karns over at Free Republic created and sent me this...



NewsWEAK definitely should've gone with this cover...

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A Microchip that Helps Terrorists Talk to God

The implant is specifically designed to be injected into the head. When properly installed, it will allow the one implanted, to speak to God.

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required. The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and nausea, aches, and pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won’t even notice it.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,

The U.S. Armed Forces

Oh, BTW, these are the Micro Chips.



h/t iOwnTheWorld

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