Follow Me on Pinterest

Iran for President and I Lost...Deal With It?

All this anger over the Iranian election mystifies me since we've always known the fix was in....its Iran. Did anyone really expect the "reform" candidate to win?

What reform? Is the crackdown on convenience stores selling forbidden pornographic material like "Beautiful Burkas," "Toenails of Tempation," (the version that doesn't show them clipped, of course) or the super controversial "Her Hairline" magazines finally going to end? (by the way, over there convenience stores are called "stores")

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a man who assured that homosexuality isn't much of an issue in Iran because there are no finding evidence to support his description of "free and healthy" elections is something that could stump God Himself.

In reality, understanding the Iran election is perfectly explained by talking about my ability to actually solve a Rubik's exactly 0 moves....and with each color square slightly ajar. You'll know how I did it, but you'll still congratulate me if you'd like to keep your sense of taste (its the only one of the five sense you might actually miss if you had to live in Iran...I don't know why, just go with it).

The apparent massive outrage over Mir Hossein Moussavi's 32% showing makes the nature of Ahmadinejad's landslide victory very questionable....but lets not belabor the point. Iran is a walking talking contradiction and everyone knows it. It really doesn't matter who the president is anyway, the stilts holding up whoever is underneath that big robe of power is the Ayatollah Khomeini. So to effect change in that country we have to take that guy out, or

Plan B: Invent a time machine and prevent Jimmy Carter from ever becoming president....of course if we succeeded at that then that means no......

Plan C: Resurrect Ronald Reagan. That might be hard to execute though, mostly because resurrecting the dead is impossible for man, but we do have HOLLYWOOD SPECIAL EFFECTS!?!?!

If you saw Terminator Salvation then you'd know exactly what I'm talking about. A computer generated Reagan on TV saying "I'M BACK" and then calls out Khomeini by name and says "sit tight I'll be right there" as he straps on a jet pack and rockets through the roof of the Oval Office unscathed by the brick and mortar that just smashed into his head and then Vice President Biden standing on the South Lawn (because thats as close as he's allowed to get to the big kid playground) would say "where does he get those wonderful toys" and it will be especially creepy because he'll look like


 ......(deep breath)......

Anyway, that would do way more for world peace than any surprisingly ineffective benefit rock concert put on by celebrities who raise awareness for their favorite charity.  Which coincidentally for all of them is known as "Hey, look at me!"

Talk about ranting...I hope Dennis Miller doesn't copyright lawyer up on me....