Today is Veterans Day, and I know we throw parades and make sure calendar companies know that this is the day to print "Veterans Day" in size 4 font on their product, but I'm not sure thats enough anymore.
Hollywood is on the edge of starting its awards season, and thinking about that got me thinking that maybe they could let us borrow their red carpets and paparazzi for the Veterans Day parades, they don't need them yet anyway....
Now, you might be thinking, are there enough of both to spread around the entire country? No! So the second part of my proposal is that we have one HUGE parade in one central location, and then we fly in with private jets or drive in with stretch limos (borrowed from Hollywood of course) ALL of the nation's veterans who want to come.
So the country can enjoy the festivities there will be television cameras EVERYWHERE, and Joan Rivers will be there to have her lips smacked off of that "face" of hers every time she asks one of them "who" they are wearing.
You know what...I don't think I want to make our veterans walk down the red carpet either, which for that day should be known as the "parade route." They should stay in their limos. Many of them are very old and very tired, do we really have to force them to walk around a parade if they actually want to be honored by us? I don't think so, not anymore....
Besides, what kind of ostentatious carbon footprint does walking leave? Exactly! None! Its almost as if they don't want us to know the magnitude of their awesomeness.
When the parade is over the after party will be unbelievable. The only thing more gluttonous than the attendees will be the desire to use wastefully everything in sight.
Only the veterans who were in the limo motorcade will be invited. Instead of water the faucets will put out champaigne and the napkin dispensers will have strips of filet mignon. Goodie bags will be filled with pearls so guests can have fun pelting the help.
Speaking of the help, every single one of vets wishes will be their command, and they will be fulfilled yesterday.
The paparazzi will be there, the news media will have wall-to-wall coverage of the who's who of America's defenders, and everyone will be considered A-listers on this day. They'll be adorned with jewels that'll make the federal debt look cheap, shrines will be built in their honor, women will swoon for them, and their hands will fall off by the time they're done giviing autographs (that's when the older vets will learn what eBay is)
When its all over they'll retire to their special Veterans Night harems as their wives patiently await their return in the limos, which will be outside the party, idling....
...You know what...I apologize, I got way too carried away....We should probably just stick to giving these guys local parades and a hearty handshake, we don't need to be making them feel more important than they really are.