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Alternatives to Burning the Koran

As of this writing I don't know who is burning Korans and who isn't (or depending on when you read this, "did or didn't"), but this is an open letter to any holy person who thinks this is a good idea.

Dear Inglorious Pastards,

Look at the mess you're creating. People yell at you not to do stupid stuff and you decide that you want to do it anyway. Hey! You should be a politician. Even better, since Obama is "obviously Christian" it seems you'd fit right in with his harem of spiritual advisors.

Look, I'm not concerned with people's fears of making Muslims angry. Turkey sandwiches shaped like Mohammed make them want to chop off more heads than the Highlander racing a guillotine. I'm just not convinced that you're "hearing" the answer to your prayers on this matter. Do you really think the consequences of burning Korans would be something Jesus would embrace?

At this point it's really just all about you isn't it? This is your 15 minutes and you're going to eat it up. You're starting to make the diaper lady from NASA look like a classy babe. So knock it off, seriously. You're a one-man band, and its only because nobody wants to jam with you.

Put the matches down! If you really want to demonstrate your frustration with Islam I have a few modest proposals that I strongly suggest you consider in place of your bonfire:

  1. Put the Koran on a Microsoft Word document....copy the file 1,000 of times, or until your computer starts asking for a burka (whichever comes first).....and then....DELETE THEM!

  2. If having a fire is what really gets you going then you can alternatively throw the computer into a fire

  3. A more expensive option would be to download and delete the Koran a bunch of times with the aptly named Kindle

  4. Thinking outside the box a can douse them in hot sauce (its more satisfying if there's pictures of flames on the bottle).

  5. Or you can give them to really flamboyantly gay men

If you're no longer interested in "burning" here are a few other ideas...

  1. Go through the Koran and "dog-ear" your favorite pages (they HATE dogs).

  2. Open your Koran up to the middle, put in a hot dog, close it up and call the book a bun. (don't try eating it unless your desperately low on fiber)

  3. Go to a book store and switch sections containing all the books on Islam with something that would be offensive to them, like, LGBT...................or pretty much any other section.

  4. Use a peeled of label of a beer bottle as a bookmark

  5. If its a girl Koran rip off the cover

  6. If its a girl Koran and brand new you can arrange for it to be married to some dirty old man with a fetish for young books

  7. Finally, instead of deleting the Koran Word docs on your computer you can "find and replace" every instance of "Mohammed" with "da Bomb"

So there you have it, burning is too symbolic of permanent destruction, its just wrong. You have to find other ways to do the wrong thing the right way. Of course, you can't succeed in not offending radical Islam, but at least you run the chance of being less offensive to the rest of us.


How does this letter solve anything? The answer to that is doesn't. It can't, but it does help exhaust my overactive imagination!